Questions On Dating And Marriage (2)

Question 6. Can you tell me where so many Christians get the idea that God chooses spouses for us? I've been saved for a number of years and it has always been generally accepted that we don't really have a choice, but we are to wait on the Lord for "the" spouse He's chosen. Where did that come from?

Answer To answer this specific question, I will need to answer a broader question that I believe gives the underlying reasons for why many may believe that God "chooses" spouses for us and we do not have any choice in the matter. Let me broaden the question to include not only spouses, but also jobs, places to live, congregations to worship with and many other things.

In other words, I believe the broader question has to do with the idea people have about God's guidance, "Does the Lord guide us in a direct way today by His Holy Spirit?" If so, does He exert influence upon us that affects how we choose in various areas of our life? This is the real question. I will try to answer it by first going to the passage that I believe is misunderstood by so many. Then, I will turn to How I believe the Scripture teaches that God guides us and cares for us while we are in the world. Then, I will make a few applications, including the example in your question.

First, I believe thinking that God almost makes decisions for us in life without our having any responsibility comes from a misunderstanding of how God guides us by His Spirit. This is often based on a misunderstanding of John 16:13,

JOH 16:13 "But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.

Here, Jesus, the night before He died, speaks to His apostles about what is going to come after He is dead. Here, He mentions the coming of the Holy Spirit and the role He would play in revealing truth to the apostles. They, not us, would be directly guided by the Spirit in what they should teach and even where they should preach at various times. See Acts 2:14, 16:9-10.

Unfortunately, many have understood this to mean that they would receive "personal" guidance in every day life decisions from the Holy Spirit. However, this has not been promised to any of us. We are guided today by the written Word, revealed by the Spirit to the apostles, which contains principles that we should follow in making our life decisions. Romans 10:17, 2 Timothy 3:14-17. Even when the Holy Spirit was guiding the apostles to write God's word, He did not prevent them from making mistakes in their daily lives. See Gal. 2:11-14.

In other words, God does not directly tell us who to marry, what job to take or where to live, but we do have principles given to us that help us make these important decisions. For example, Eph. 4:28 tells us to work with our hands what is good so we can provide for ourselves and for others. Therefore, we are free to choose whatever job we can do, except those jobs that would call on us to do things that are sinful.

Finally, just because the Spirit does not speak to us directly does not mean that we are without God looking out for us and caring for us. We can be assured that as we apply His principles to our lives that He does what is best for us on a daily basis. See Matt. 6:19-34, 7:7-12, Rom. 8:28-39. Contact Gary

Question 7. Where if at all does the bible speak against interracial marriages.....

Answer As far as I know, the Bible does not forbid interracial marriages. There was a time when God had a special relationship with the nation of Israel and He commanded them not to marry those from the idolatrous nations. They were to be separated from the influence of those who would lead them away from God. Duet. 7:16.

However, today, God accepts all people from all nations who would come to Him through Jesus. Acts 10:34-35, Gal. 3:26-29. Therefore, there is no restriction on marriage as to specific nationality.

However, we should be careful not to marry (if we have not already done so) those who would lead us away from God. 2 Cor. 6:14-7:1. Contact Gary

Question 8. What does the bible say about domestic violence? if you are married to someone who is abusive, can you leave? Can you suggest some supportive scripture?

Answer As to this, I am sorry for your situation and others who may be suffering under the same conditions.  It ought not to be that way.  The Bible tells us plainly that a husband should lovingly provide for his wife while a wife should lovingly submit to her husband.  Eph. 5:22-33.  Too often though, this is not the case.

As to "domestic violence", this does not describe the actions for what they are.  These actions are, in most states if not all, crimes and are subject to the criminal penalties enacted for our protection and the punishment of those who are evil.  Rom. 13:1-7.  Rather than taking vengeance ourselves, we are to appeal to those authorities that God has entrusted to act on our behalf in these matters.   Rom 12:14-21.  This is what Paul did when his life was threatened by Jewish religious leaders.  Acts 25:1-12.

Therefore, if you are threatened and physically attacked, even by family, you should appeal to the government for help and if needed, flee from the situation until it is addressed properly.  Although you might need to flee for a time, this situation does not provide a just occasion for divorcing another.  1 Cor. 7:1-15.   Although we may experience trials, we can rejoice if we are serving the Lord, even if we suffer.  1 Pet. 2:18-25.  To be sure we are truly saved, we must submit to the Lord as He has directed.  Mark 16:15-16, Acts 2:36-38, 42-47, 8:26-40.

Finally, a note to husbands who act in this manner, not only is it a criminal offence, but it is a spiritual offense that will separate them from God, if they continue in it.  Matthew 7:11-12, 1 Pet. 3:1-7. Contact Gary

Question 9. Please respond. I'm planning to get married to a very wonderful woman in November. We're planning to buy a house together soon. I would like to know the roles of working women fit into the Bible's teaching. Another word, is it biblical for women to work and earn money? Or her roles are just to stay home raise the children, support her husband? Please include some verses so I can reference them.

Answer The Bible does not say to a woman "shall not work outside the home". (Prov. 31: 10-31) gives an example of a woman that handled both being a "homemaker" and a "business woman". So it is possible, but is it easy? Can all women do it? Should all woman do it? Is she less of a person if she does not do both? Will she regret later in life that she put more emphasis in her "career" than in being a mother and a wife? If she is "successful" in her "career", but fails in "guiding the home" (1 Tim. 5:14), will it be worth it? If she is "successful" in her "career" and is lost eternally, will it be worth it?

If she "works", what kind of a job will it be? Will it cause her to compromise her faith? Will she be tempted to be unfaithful in order to climb the corporate ladder? Will she be more interested in being a "career woman" than in being a Christian? The time will come when she will have to make a decision whether to leave her children to another’s care (day care, etc.) or to leave her career.

Lydia was "a seller of purple". (Acts 15:14) There is no indication that Paul required her to stop after she became a Christian (v. 15). Just as in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul said there are certain situation ("the present distress" v. 26), when it was better for a Christian to be single, there are situations when it is better for a woman not to work.

The same question should be answered by both the husband and the wife. Whatever career both chooses, will their secular jobs interfere with their responsibilities of being a Christian? Will it interfere in time needed to study and worship? Will it place them in compromising situations? Will it interfere in their responsibilities of husband and wife and of being a parent?

The wife is to be a "help meet" for the husband. Anything that would hinder that relationship should be considered thoroughly. The husband is the "head of the wife" (Eph. 5:23-25). It would be good to talk these things over, but the final decision should be the man’s. He must decide and will bear the responsibility. His decision should be based on love for the wife and love for God. Contact Danny

Question 10. My question is where and what does the Bible say about dealing with a broken heart and accepting that someone you love very much does not love you back, like the case of falling in love and then breaking up and how awful that is. Is there anywhere in the Bible that helps people with this age old question on how to overcome a broken heart???

Answer Real good question. I will attempt an answer. It will not be what you want to hear, and not what you are expecting. But check it out and see if it is not accurate and from the scripture.

Think about Job. He had a broken heart. Read the first two chapters of Job, and you will get a good idea of what he lost. It was not the same kind of broken heart as from falling in love, but how did Job face the situation?

He lost everything, he lost his children, his wealth, and his health. All he had left (besides his friends who had no clue) was his wife. And she advised Job to "curse God and die." I have a few nice things in this life, and would not want to do without them. But they all are worthless, if I consider that I could lose the support of my wife like Job did. That was truly a loss.

But in all this Job maintained his resolve to adhere to obey God's commands and realize that temporaty setbacks in this life are nothing compared to eternity. And how did God repay Job? Go to the last two chapters of the book, and see that God gave Job back his family and property moreso than he lost in the beginning.

Check out the broken hearts in the book of Revelation. Again, their hearts were broken for another reason. They were facing losing their very own lives, and the lives of their loved ones.

If you haven't studied Revelation, do not let it scare you. Yes, there is a lot of symbolism in there. But the main point is, "Hang in there, the good guys will win in the end."

Christ's message to the Christians undergoing tremendous persecution is that they will have to suffer even more, but if they remain true to Him, they will emerge victorious. Maybe not in this world, but in the eternity to come.

Why am I pointing your attention in these directions, which is not what you are asking? Simply because I want you to put things in perspective. Someone (not the Bible, but the general concept is there) said:

"Don't sweat the small stuff. And it is all small stuff."

Now, about boy-girl type relationships, and the loss you can feel there. What is the purpose of courtship and young love? It is to prepare young people for their future married lives. And this is a very serious matter indeed. This is the second most important choice we will ever make in our lives, that is who we will spend the rest of our life with. The first most important choice of course is obedience to Christ.

Why is chosing who we will marry so important? Because marriage is permanent. A spouse is not disposable, as we would use a paper towel to clean up a mess and toss it in the trash. Too many people live that way today. And that is a major reason that our world is so messed up.

But Jesus taught us:

Matt 19:3-11 (NAS) 3 And {some} Pharisees came to Him, testing Him, and saying, "Is it lawful {for a man} to divorce his wife for any cause at all?" 4 And He answered and said, "Have you not read, that He who created {them} from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 "Consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." 7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send {her} away?" 8 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9 "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." 10 The disciples said to Him, "If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry." 11 But He said to them, "Not all men {can} accept this statement, but {only} those to whom it has been given.

He taught us that marriage is for a lifetime. He quoted from Genesis 2:24. The only scriptural reason for divorce is adultery. And then it is not a requirement that the parties divorce, just an option if nothing else can be done to salvage the relationship.

How did His disciples react to His teaching on the permanence of the marriage relationship? (v. 10) They said, Wow, then maybe we should not even get married in the first place! Then how did Jesus respond to them? Did He back down and say it is not really that bad? No, He maintained His position and teaching, and further strengthened it.

In v. 11 He did not say, if you can handle it then you should, but if it is too burdensome, then don't worry about it and live your life the way you want to. That would contradict His whole teaching. Rather, in v. 11 He is saying that some people will not be able to bear His teaching, and will fall by the wayside, as those who missed the Ark in Noah's day, and as those who will enter the broad and easy way, rather than the straight and narrow way which Jesus taught about in Matthew 7:13-14.

So what does this have to do with courtship and broken hearts? "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Benjamin Franklin, as I recall.

If someone whom you are courting (or vice versa) suddenly walks out of your life, think how much better off you are if that happens before you get married rather than after you are married. Remember, God's plan is for our marriages to last for a lifetime. And what effect does a broken home have on the children? Extreme! Another main problem with society today is broken homes, and inadequate parenting of our young people.

So what does the Bible say to help with a broken heart? Keep things in perspective. This life is just a preparation for eternity. If you heart is broken, it may be the best thing that ever happened to you!

You probably noticed that I have assumed that you are single and dating/courting. And I cannot tell from your letter. If you are in any other situation (married, divorced, widowed, etc.), then I think the passages which we have discussed will lead you in the right direction anyway. Contact David

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